Playing "Saviour Says"

Prologue: On July 23, 1970, I met up with Mr. Jesus H. Christ in His tastefully-but-modestly decorated guest mansion, "Paradise Park." I'm proud to share this, the First ever interview with Jesus to grace the pages of Throwing Stone Magazine. HE graciously allowed this reporter to conduct a no-holds-barred session. Our chat was intensely enlightening, and Jesus had His fetching handmaidens serve me cup after stimulating cup of low-cal Manna. The transcript that follows was Faithfully transcribed by Mr. Christ's loving Pharisees. Dear Lord, how that gaggle of ornery clerks and secretaries has come around to His way of thinking! I was only seven years old in 1970, the year in which Jesus was dubbed "Superstar" by fans and critics alike. When one embraces one's Higher Power, ALL THINGS become POSSIBLE. What follows is headlined "Playing Saviour Says; The Jesus H. Christ Interview." It's a "Throwing Stone" exclusive! DG: Howdy Mr. Christ, thanks so much for Your time today. JC: No problem, dude. Time is one thing I have in abundance. And please call me "Jeez." Everyone calls me that except Dad. DG: Thanks again, Jeez. Now you've been in suspended animation for what, about 2000 years? JC: That's right, Son. Ever since I was nailed, died and put inside that awful cave. Then, three days later, I self-resuscitated, rolled the boulder out of the way, and emerged from the grotto. Trouble is, I saw my shadow; that's why we've endured two millennia of unbroken Winter. DG: I bet it felt good to break that cabin fever, back in the day. Where have You been residing all these centuries? JC: Well, I've tried for over 1964 years to get out of My Father's House. But He's a mean old man, and very possessive. Keeps on insisting I have to take over the Family business when He retires. FINALLY retires that is - seem's He's a workaholic, very paranoid, extremely argumentative and goddamn near Immortal, if you catch my drift. What's even worse, and I don't mean anything personal.... but Dad is overly.... Jewish. DG: Ah. No offense taken. But would You describe His attitude as Orthodox, Reform, or.... I can't even imagine Him as a SECULAR type guy. JC: You got that right, buddy. Old Jeb - that's what we call him, short for Jehovah - is strictly Old School. Never seen the Light. Still considers Himself the "Hebrew Boss." And I don't mean like Bruce Springsteen! The Lunkhead's never gotten it through His thick skull: I'm way past all that "Israelite" stuff by now. In many ways, He's still a rigid, inflexible, nasty-tempered six billion year old pain in the butt. Unforgiving as Hell and vindictive. In other words, Orthodox to the marrow. He's never agreed to write the sort of Letter of Recommendation that would enable Me to get an easier, more rewarding job. Won't even allow Me to get My own apartment! DG: Doesn't Your Mom try to talk sense to the Old Goat? By all accounts, she's a pretty kind old lady. JC: Well, "Ma Mary" is a softie like you say, but kind of a doormat. Dad's always had His Way with her. No matter how much I encourage Mom to stand up to Him, she caves. It certainly wasn't her idea to hook up with Jeb in the first place. In fact, Ma's been trying to work out an amicable separation for more than 700 years; He won't hear of it. And don't even mention no-fault divorce; oddly enough, They were never married to begin with. DG: Do They still exist together? JC: Much as it pains me, Dad's been keeping Mom in an Assisted Existence Facility for Eons and Eons. It's way, way Downtown, out of reach for ordinary mortals. Some place called "Purgatory Prairie." Dad insists she's got a lot of "issues." Claims she's got a lot of explaining to do before she can move Uptown, to His opulent McMansion, "The Mile High Club." Isn't He just the ultimate Prima Donna? DG: Bummer. What's up with Your brother James these days? JC: Jimmy's been living in obscurity for AGES, it seems. Problem is, he's got no name recognition and a pretty thin resume'. Jim's prospects for retirement from his crummy job don't look too good. I guess he's stuck driving the Shuttle between Terra Firma and Dad's City on a Hill, "Heavenly Heights." For the Indefinite Infinity anyway, poor bastard. DG: Sure sorry to hear of it. Let's talk politics now, shall We? Has President Jehovah ever considered trying to achieve Detente with the Evil Empire? After all, General Secretary Lucifer has changed his tune markedly. I know the Devil's in the details, but Satan Luciferovitch makes no bones about his desire for reinstatement as a fine, upstanding member of the Cosmic Community. What gives, Jeez? JC: Contrary to conventional wisdom, Dan, Birds of a Feather don't ALWAYS flock together. Those two curmudgeons are SO much alike. Both power-hungry, capricious.... hostile as Holy Heck most of the time. They haven't exchanged a single word since the Cuban Missile Crisis, and that was only about which one would inherit the Earth. And THAT, as you know, is STILL an open question. DG: Whatever became of Mary Magdalene? JC: Mary Mag's been doing great work promoting Tolerance with Margot St. Jane's feminist organization in Saint Francisco. I can only keep minimally apprised of her good works through our web forum, up at Jesus.com. Jeb insists she's a bad influence and forbids me, upon pain of irrelevance, from contacting her directly. It's truly heart-breaking. DG: Christ! I mean, uh, Jeez! That's pretty harsh.... JC: Well, consider the source. DG: Switching gears again.... some folks claim that Mr. Lucifer came shockingly close to deposing Your Old Man, way back when. Any truth to that? JC: Bah, humbug. Does that lousy upstart Beelzebub REALLY believe his effort to impeach My Father would ever come to fruition? Sure, the Eternal Sanhedrin voted for impeachment; but you know as well as I the Supreme Church would NEVER have removed Pres. Jehovah from the Throne. And to think they brought those proceedings for the TRIVIAL infraction of adultery. You can search for all ETERNITY - nowhere in Our Family history has Dad ever denied that He's kept a close watch for cute little Angels. Big hairy deal! DG: So whatever happened to Saint Monica? JC: Spokeswoman for the Divine Diet Plan, Inc. Slimmed down considerably herself, and pretty as a picture. Admitted everything that occurred in the Ovular Office, she did. You know, that was one of the few times I was able to successfully intervene. Very indiscreet, of course. But Dad's endless stream of peccadillos is getting mighty tiresome. DG: I see Your circle of friends is as illustrious as Your family life. Jeez, You never cease to amaze! JC: Amen Brother, no pun intended. It was positively a MIRACLE.... DG: For a change. And only for Monica.... JC: What do you want from Me? I did the best I could! And I know what else you're driving at.... Dad insists all those "little people" who were smitten got what they deserved, and then some. Let's be fair: Dad's never tried to hide the fact He's a very jealous guy. He's never cloaked his displeasure when His constituents cast their ballot for some "American Idol." Remember His words: "Thou shalt have no other President besides Me....." DG: Excuse me!?! "American!?" JC: Of course Jehovah is American! Doesn't he SPEAK American? What do you THINK he is, Ethiopian? Do I LOOK like some Son of an Ethiopian!? Man, Dan, didn't you even READ the book before requesting an interview? DG: Uh.... well, I skimmed it. And I admit, Your blond hair and blue eyes should have been a dead giveaway. JC: It's practically a SIN for a Throwing Stone correspondent not to do his homework, Dan. DG: Yeah, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa. My bad. (Sighs) JC: Ah, Don't worry about it. My job description goes on interminably about "....the need to forgive." Sometimes I wonder if I'm REALLY My Father's Son. (Chortles) DG: Let's not even open THAT can of worms! JC: I don't want to tiptoe through those tulips, either. (Chuckles) This series continues next month with: "Judas Iscariot; Turncoat or Tragedy?"