I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm Free.

Sleep well tonight, my Fellow Americans. Our armed forces, inlcuding Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard, are all vigilantly guarding us from an elaborately planned, imminent Iranian attack on Portland, Maine. Not only does Mahmoud Ahmedinejad hate us for our (former) Freedoms, he knows their Persian Gulf lobster just can't compare. So even though the situation seems to be getting rather oily and therefore quite slippery, we are well-defended. Ah, who am I kidding: Be afraid, be VERY afraid!!!